My 50 Shades Rant

The series of books came to my attention a couple of years ago when I found out that they were really Twilight fanfiction turned into a ‘real’ book and I have to tell you I use the term 'real' VERY loosely.  I decided to read the first one since so many people were tittering over it on FB. 

Holy shit!  What a mistake!  I was introduced to a drab, dull character named Anastasia but called Ana. She was as interesting as vacuuming.  Maybe less.  And dumb.  This girl made was made for the term dim bulb.

She gets to interview this rich guy with red hair and flannel slacks than hang on his hips in some mystical way.  We know this because she tells us over and over and over and over and over…

Somehow he makes her sign a contract to be his submissive even though she doesn’t know what sex actually is and certainly has no idea what a submissive is.  She hates it and likes it and blah blah blah…

By this time, I told Larry that this was the worst book I’d ever tried to read.  He actually had a wonderful idea – stop wasting my time and read something I liked to read.  I followed his advice and stopped.

So how can I talk about it? 

I read enough to know it was poorly written.    I also read enough to know that I did not care for the subject matter and also enough to know that this was not a good representation of what BDSM aficionados call the ‘lifestyle”.  That sort of thing doesn’t float my boat and I’ll be damned if I even can make sense of it but to each his own. 

It is quite obvious that this writer, and I call her that loosely, did no research on the lifestyle she was portraying.  Hell, she didn’t even bother to learn American idiom and geography to write this book.

And now they advertise the movie.  Have you seen the trailers?  The actors are totally unappealing.  Don Johnson’s daughter looks so ugly and plain that you wonder what anyone would find appealing and the guy who plays Grey is totally unremarkable.  I’ve even read several accounts that the movie was so dull and unsexy that they had to reshoot scenes to make it sexy because there was NO chemistry between the two.

I won’t be seeing the movie.  The books were so bad that I couldn’t force myself to finish them.  You do what you like.  I’m waiting for Avengers: Age of Ultron.  Give me some James Spader any time instead of E.L. James.